Speechless
by FloatingAmoeba
Summary: Oneshot. A year on from the events of 'Stalker' and Lilly isn't dealing with things as well as they would have liked. Rated strong T for language and suggestions of depression and suicide.


A/N This was written as a special gift for my friend Kelly - it was a little bit of a challenge, and I'm still not convinced it turned out the way I had intended! It contains some scenes readers may find disturbing, because it's **angsty**. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it as much as she did! :] Lyrics from 'Speechless' by Lady GaGa. Set a year after Stalker, but not in canon with Season 5.

Disclaimer: I don't own Cold Case, or Lady GaGa.

* * *

It's the anniversary of the day of the night before and Scotty can't remember who turned to who for comfort.

_i can't believe what you said to me_

_last night when we were alone_

One night, in her bed, in her head and in Lilly herself. Then implosion.

_you threw your hands up_

_baby you gave up, you gave up_

He hates the fact that everybody knows what day it is. Feels their eyes burning into his back as he walks in to the department.

Another reminder of how bad he screwed up. His fault.

_I can't believe how you looked at me_

_with your James Dean glossy eyes_

_in your tight jeans with your long hair_

_and your cigarette stained lies_

"She here?" he asks Stillman straight off. The lieutenant shakes his head.

"No."

"Can I...?"

Stillman shakes his head. "The Brass is on the lookout."

"But..."

"No is no, Scotty. She'll be fine."

She won't be fine, and they both know it. Scotty thinks it is just a reassurance Stillman needed to get off his chest, even if it means that he'll have lied.

_could we fix you if you broke?_

_and is your punch line just a joke?_

Works through the day harder than he's ever worked before because the minute his working day is done is the minute he can get to Lilly.

_i'll never talk again_

_oh boy you've left me speechless_

_you've left me speechless, so speechless_

He remembers the feel of her body under his, her skin hot beneath his touch, soft and pliant and an ugly mess of tangled emotions.

Now, just a broken child clinging on to a dream she never really had.

_i can't believe how you slurred at me_

_with your half wired broken jaw_

_you popped my heart seams_

_on my bubble dreams, bubble dreams_

"Your door was open," he says. A bitter laugh that sounds foreign to his ears.

"Thought I told you to leave me the hell alone?"

Slurred and sharp, the result of too much alcohol in not enough time.

_i can't believe how you looked at me_

_with your Johnnie Walker eyes_

_he's gonna get you and after he's through_

_there's gonna be no love left to rye_

"You're crazy," he whispers under his breath, "if you thought I'd leave ya hangin'. 'Specially today."

"What about today?" she snaps, "What the hell is so fucking special about today?"

She's beautiful, he realizes. Her long blond hair scraped back, fringe slanting off to the side and covering what he knows are tear-filled blue eyes.

_and I know that it's complicated_

_but I'm a loser in love_

It's hard not to notice how long her legs look in jeans. Scotty blinks, letting his eyes walk around her to take her in. A packet of cigarettes on the coffee table that she has no intention of smoking. The almost empty bottle of whisky.

_so baby raise a glass to mend_

_all the broken hearts_

His eyes dart to her lap and the world stops.

_of all my wrecked up friends_

"What are you doin'?" he asks gently. Another tear, following the first down her cheek.

Her finger tracing the barrel of the gun. Tightening her hold around the grip.

And she'll do it, he thinks, for no other reason than it gives her back the control she's spent the last 525600 minutes trying to find.

Can't look at her in case it's the last time. From the corner of his eye he sees her falter.

"It's not loaded."

Hears the breath catch in the back of her throat. Silence that goes on forever.

_i'll never talk again_

_oh boy you've left me speechless_

_you've left me speechless so speechless_

He doesn't know which upsets him more – the gun sitting in her lap or her throwing it to the floor in defeat.

If there's anything worse than death, he thinks, Lilly is there.

_i'll never talk again_

Scotty wants her back. He wants her to kick and scream and beat on the walls, because then at least he'll know the woman he is trying not to love is still there.

Another woman. Elissa on the bridge on her own, how scared she must have been. Then falling, and she's not scared anymore, because The End is all she's ever wanted.

_oh boy you've left me speechless_

Tears of his own. Another woman, the same failure.

Her voice, small and broken and if he's not mistaken, scared.

"I don't want to be this person anymore, Scotty."

_you've left me speechless so speechless_

Scotty can't stop his hand from reaching out, goes to touch her knee in reassurance but sees her flinch away from him and stops.

Wishes to God that her eyes would meet his just so he can...he doesn't know what he wants.

"I don't..." His voice cracks. "I don't know what you want from me."

_I can't believe how you looked at me_

_with your James Dean glossy eyes_

More tears and she reaches for the bottle of whisky just to prove to herself that she can. Scotty can't (won't) stop her.

A choked sob. "I want her back."

_in your tight jeans with your long hair_

_and your cigarette stained lies_

The bottle returns to the table, barely missing the edge.

"Why are you doin' this?" he asks. He doesn't understand. A sad chuckle.

"Oh, Scotty...Scotty..." The smile that accompanied the laugh disappears, her brow furrowing and a waver in her bottom lip that breaks his heart. "I just want to be loved."

_could we fix you if you broke?_

_and is your punch line just a joke?_

"You think she loved you?" he questions incredulously, "She used you! She...she broke you, everyday for thirty somethin' fuckin' years, Lil! She stripped you o' everythin' good, an' gave you shit in return."

"But she was my mother, Scotty! She was my mother!"

_i'll never talk again_

_oh boy you've left me speechless_

_you've left me speechless, so speechless_

For a minute he's elated that he's managed to get a response that's more than a muted whisper.

Stops caring about the fact that this can't happen, that this isn't just some nightmare they're both trapped in.

"An' what a great job she did, right?"

"Fuck you," she tells him and for a minute it doesn't seem like a bad idea. Scotty stands up, shaking his head.

"I ain't puttin' up wit' this." He makes it to the front door. A defeated sigh.

"No...wait."

_oh boy you've left me speechless_

Half his body turned towards her, waiting. Her small voice.

"I'm drowning, Scotty. Everything is over my head."

It's this back and forth between the Lilly he hates and the Lilly he loves that has him tied in knots.

Scotty slowly sits down on the coffee table, the same place he sat this time last year when the walls first started to crumble.

_i'll never talk again_

_oh boy you've left me speechless_

_you've left me speechless, so speechless_

His fingertips scrape her cheekbones, and Lilly forgets herself and leans towards him. Their lips meet. Eyes wide open.

Softly at first, but then Lilly releases the smallest of sobs and she's wrapping her hands around the back of his neck and pushing her tongue past his lips in the hope that he'll finally push back.

_you've left me speechless, so speechless_

It doesn't take much, Scotty realizes.

* * *

Excuse me while I roll on the floor in hysterical laughter. This was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write - now I'm going to turn my head to some fluff! And possibly some smut. If you have a spare moment, please leave me a review on your way out! :]


End file.
